Sometimes You Just Need a Hug

Today is National Hugging Day. I usually would not call attention to this day. First, I only read about its existence this morning, and second, I am not a fan of hugging. But even I will admit there are times where hugging is essential to our emotional, spiritual, and mental health.

I learned to appreciate some hugs during my missionary service for my church.

The first day in the mission field was exciting and awful all at the same time. I spent twenty plus hours on planes or layovers traveling from Salt Lake City to Perth, Australia, and was already feeling the pains of separation anxiety from my family. It was a blazing hot day, which I knew would be foreshadowing my tenure in Australia. My two traveling companions and I were greeted at the airport by our Mission President and his wife. President and Sister Jones, our assigned mission leaders, were so excited to see us and get to know us; it was overwhelming talking to them.

The three of us were swept away to the mission home and then to the mission office. After receiving direction and some food, we met our new companions; our trainers were 3 of the best missionaries President Jones had to offer. When I was introduced to my trainer Elder Ricks, I tried to put on a durable exterior even though I was ready to get right back on the plane and leave. As I shook his hand, he then pulled me in for a half-hug with his other hand. "Oh NO," I thought, "This guy is a hugger."

I am not; I feel uncomfortable with hugs (except close family and my dogs). I will hug people when I am in certain situations, especially when it seems like the social norm. But I am not ever comfortable with it.

Elder Ricks and I left the mission office, and we arrived at our flat in Duncraige, Western Australia, a suburb of Perth. We spent the rest of the evening knocking on doors and getting me acquainted with missionary work. I could tell my new companion, a very skilled missionary who had a strong testimony of the gospel, and it seemed as if my concern about him and his hugging propensity might have been unfounded.

And then we knelt to say our first companionship prayer to end the day. No sooner than we finished praying that these two long arms belonging to Elder Ricks wrapped themselves around me in a giant bear hug.

I was so surprised I initially kept my arms at my side, and then timidly, I bent my arms only at the elbows and halfheartedly returned the hug with a few small pats for good measure. I felt like the embrace went too long, even though it probably was real quick. "OK, so he IS a hugger and not shy about it either," I concluded. I did not grow to enjoy his hugging; it made me uncomfortable. And I spent the remainder of my mission doing whatever I could to avoid any, even slightly similar, display of companionship affection.

However, about a month before I left the mission field, I was in a transfer meeting. I had recently heard some bad news; my Grandma Read was not doing well. I had a close relationship with my Grandma, and she had required several hospital stays while I served in Perth, but she always pulled through, and she even wrote me that she was trying her hardest to make it at least till I was home. She tried; she really did.

As the transfer meeting began, our new Mission President, President Hamilton, addressed the missionaries and then excused himself and asked me to join him. I followed him into his office, and he told me I would be receiving a call.

Only a few minutes later the phone rang, it was my parents. They told me that my Grandma Read would not make it another day or two and probably wouldn't make it through the night. It came as a shock, with some unbelief on my part, I sincerely had hoped that she would make it until I came home. But I knew the troubles she had been having were not minor, and deep down, I knew that her outcome was better this way. I girded up my courage, and I felt that I would be able to handle this well. Eventually, that was true.

I told them I loved them, and I asked if it would be OK if I called Grandpa Read. My mom told me when he was home and not at the hospital. I told my Mom and Dad again that I loved them and looked forward to seeing them in about a month. I then obtained permission to call my Grandpa later that evening to match his schedule back home. Everyone at the office was very kind, and my new companion Elder Ferre was very considerate of my situation.

The transfer meeting had gone on while I spoke to my parents, and I didn't have a chance to decide how I felt about being paired up with Elder Ferre. I had known Elder Ferre for quite some time now, and I was unsure how I felt about him. He had been in leadership roles above me both during times when I had been a hardworking and effective missionary and during times when I was not so hard working. I had sized him up several different ways and never really got a lock on his motivations and attributes. Sometimes it seemed to me that he was very concerned about others, and other times he came off as being cocky and more concerned about programs rather than people.

But all of these things were not going through my mind as we started our new working relationship. Work and Elder Ferre were far from my thoughts as we completed our duties for the transfer day and settled Elder Ferre into his new flat, where I had been living for the last few months with my previous companion.

I was in turmoil. I had never really learned how to deal with stress and anxiety. Insomnia plagued most of my mission due to anxiety and stress. I was not very good at showing negative emotions. I was guarded and would remain guarded for years to come. And nothing had changed in my stance to hugging.

Around lights out, I placed the call to my Grandpa. He was grateful for my call, and we expressed our love for each other and talked about how much we loved my Grandma. As we spoke, I could hear the voice of my Grandpa beginning to break. I remember thinking I had never heard that before. I looked up to this strong man who had always set one of the strongest examples of how a man and a priesthood holder should be, and I could hear that he was heartbroken. I could hear that in our conversation.

I became unable to maintain my composer, and as I hung up the phone, I was entering a full breakdown of my guarded exterior. I excused myself from our bedroom; I didn't acknowledge Elder Ferre as I left. I just knew I couldn't maintain my poise. With tears streaming down my face and barely being able to breathe, I slumped down against the wall in the far room where our closets resided. I was heartbroken, and instead of the emotion subsiding, it seemed to be growing, and I fell into a pattern of crying so profusely I couldn't inhale.

I felt alone. I wished I could be at home. I did not have THIS type of support system here. I was not even considering seeking help from above. And I was angry with The heavens. God could wait to take her. He did not HAVE to take her now!!!

I knew she had been praying to see me again, and I had been praying she would be there when I returned. As I cried, I was becoming more and more infuriated. And I was sinking farther and farther into despair.

Suddenly, just like my trainer Elder Ricks was my companion, two arms flung themselves around me. Like with Elder Ricks, I kept my arms down and was hesitant to accept this type of intimate relationship from another.

Elder Ferre held me, and even though my first reaction was one of resistance. I threw my arms around him, and he and I spent time in an embrace full of love, Christ-like love. It was as if there were three of us there. As Elder Ferre comforted me, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit engulf both of us. And as my emotions calmed themselves, and my thoughts came back to normal, the spirit of God filled my heart with understanding and joy, as I was able to know that this was the right time and that my Grandmas's suffering ended and she was returning home.

I am still not much of a hugger, even though I do allow myself to do it. But I will always cherish the night I sat on the floor with Elder Ferre as true brotherly love expressed at one of my darkest moments. Angles exist. They are people like Gabriel, Michael, and Moroni who come in heavenly glory and sing songs amid the heavens, but they also come as individuals near us and associate with daily.

It's a tough time, and hugging has become mostly taboo. I fear for our communities as we remain disconnected. This pandemic takes more of a toll than only our physical health. I pray for a day when we can return to a life when we can be with those we love. And though I likely will not always love it, I will be happy to hug people again. Because sometimes, you just need a hug.