No Strangers

When you are part of a religious community, like The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, there is great comfort in the support that members provide each other.

 The church does a great job taking care of those who fit into their box but often falls short with those that do not easily fit into a certain expectation.  We often do not do so well when someone's life or choices fall outside of the bubble we call "standards." Those who are LGBTQIA+ or those who have deep questions about their faith are just two of these groups who may feel like they are strangers in an otherwise healthy fellowship.

 In the household of faith there are to be no strangers, no foreigners, no rich and poor, no outside "others." As "fellowcitizens with the saints," we are invited to change the world for the better, from the inside out, one person, one family, one neighborhood at a time.

- Elder Gerrit W. Gong 

The word stranger comes from the Latin word extraneus; in OLD French, it was estrangier for "foreigner" or "from the outside." Being called or thought of as a stranger means you are or feel like an outsider.

 

As disciples of Jesus Christ who strive to be in the world but not of the world, we sometimes feel like outsiders. We, better than many, know that certain doors can be closed to those who are considered to be different.

- Bishop Gérald Caussé, 1st Counselor in the Presiding Bishopric, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

 I understand the need to hold up a high standard and expect myself to work toward that goal.  That is one of the reasons I love being a member of my church. But when someone else is on a different path, for whatever reason, I have all too often taken their journey as a direct conflict with my own.  

It doesn't have to be that way. 

When faced with similar situations, I have been filled with the drive to soothe myself, to make sure the other party experience all of my disappointment that they may not live up to my standards.  Maybe it's a friend who identifies as gay and wants to marry their partner. Or maybe it is someone who struggles with the teachings of the church or one of its leaders.  

One of my favorite hymns says:

Know this, that ev'ry soul is free to choose his life and what he'll be; for this eternal truth is giv'n: that God will force no man to heav'n.

He'll call, persuade, direct aright, and bless with wisdom, love, and light, in nameless ways be good and kind, but never force the human mind.

Freedom and reason make us men; Take these away, what are we then? Mere animals, and just as well the beasts may think of heav'n or hell.

May we no more our pow'rs abuse, but ways of truth and goodness choose; our God is pleased when we improve His grace and seek his perfect love.

- Know This, That Every Soul Is Free-
Text: Anon.    Music: Roger L. Miller

With my dear high school friend, I subjected her to a dissertation of the gospel's truthfulness and the error of her decision to leave the church.

With my sister, it was a long letter, followed up by countless passive-aggressive actions and words.

I improved when my best friend told me about his struggle with the church and his feelings of same-sex attraction, but not by much. 

The list I have built for treating others who are or choose differently than me is far too long for me to be proud of. But most of the time, I thought I was compassionate.  What is that saying about good intentions? I know that my actions have not always been the most Christ-like.

I have witnessed and heard about much worse behavior. Family disowning, aggression (active and passive), physical assaults, ghosting, interventions, etc. But just because some use their religion as a weapon in ways that far exceed what I have done does not atone me of my mistakes.

My self-reflection reveals that I am more likely to treat others who I am casually aquatinted far better than those I am close to. It pricks my heart that is the case. The only silver lining is that it is because I care deeply for my friends and family. I know I need to do and be better. As a friend, as a loved one, as an example of Jesus Christ.

 Remember, it is not about you

This is one of the most challenging things to apply. When someone has different feelings, choices (or just are different), a metaphorical canyon may materialize.

Our faith, which may have brought us together or at least gave us commonality, may feel at risk. It is normal to feel abandoned or hurt, but don't let it linger because it isn't about you.  If we let this feeling continue, it can become as if that person who chooses another way has physically left us behind, but rarely does that happen unless we let it (or cause it).

And we do not need to shy away from our faith to love and support a friend. It can and should be as much of a part of who we are; in fact, our friend may look less upon us if we caved in our beliefs out of nowhere.

Remember compassion

When my friend Kyle told me he was gay, my first two thoughts were simultaneous. One was, "yeah, I figured." And the second was a question to me. "Does this change the way you feel about him?" And the answer was a resounding, "No."

Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like "struggle." To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now—and to go on caring even through times that may bring us pain.

-Fred Rogers

When my friend Kyle told me he was gay, my first two thoughts were simultaneous. One was, "yeah, I figured." And the second was a question to me. "Does this change the way you feel about him?" And the answer was a resounding, "No."

It was only after his separation from the church and a culture that I was fully engaged in that I struggled to treat him well. There was a time when he felt that we were now so different that he didn't think we could continue as friends.

When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

-Mathew 25:38-40

If I had remembered the first thing I thought of when he "came out," he would never have felt that way.

 Remember compassion. Let it drive all your interactions, especially when someone is going through a significant change or learning to accept who they are. Showing compassion and love for someone who does not share your beliefs, feelings, or lifestyle does not diminish what you know is true nor conflict with the standards you profess. In fact, in my opinion, it upholds them.

Remember to listen

 

I have made the mistake that the person going through a faith crisis has made a hasty decision. That is rarely the case. Do you think you will give some fantastic points that your loved one has just not considered? I doubt it. Often, they have turned to the same tools they knew while in the church. They pray about it, search the scriptures, talk to others both in and out of the church, ponder it, and not decide one night to leave.

Listening is a very active awareness of the coming together of at least two lives. Listening, as far as I'm concerned, is certainly a prerequisite of love. One of the most essential ways of saying "I love you" is by being a receptive listener.

-Fred Rogers 

So, turn off the preacher, and turn on the listener. Listening is not being quiet, waiting for the moment to make your point; it is an active endeavor to understand. It is a sign of love. Listening builds trust.

At baptism, we covenant to "mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:9). It does not conflict with the covenant to "to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in" (Mosiah 18:9). 

Listening is one of the prime ways to comfort others.

Remember the golden rule

Do not say or do anything that will erode trust. That does not mean you shouldn't share your thoughts and feelings and, yes, your testimony of the gospel. But keep the lines of communication open. If they ask for your advice, give it clearly but always leave an open door.  And it is OK to lovingly tell another that you do not know all of the answers.  

Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them

-Matthew 7:22

Sometimes people will come to different conclusions than we do.  We aren't the ones to changing their minds; that is not our job. 

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

-3 Nephi 11:29

I heard a story about a teacher instructing novice teachers. He placed a cake at the front of the class. He asked if anyone would like a piece. When a student responded positively, he proceeded to reach into the cake with his fingers and grasp what was formerly a delightful and delicious treat, and threw it at the student.

We should never try to convince another to hide who they are.  We should always treat another's beliefs or decisions like we would like them to treat our beliefs or decisions.

Remember the example of Christ

As close as any man can get to, but not be my father, is my Uncle John, and I have always felt like we have an extraordinary relationship, and we do. In fact, through most of my life, I have believed I was his favorite. But as an adult, I have come to realize that I am not alone. Through his love and concern for others, my uncle John has developed very similar relationships with many others, each one I'm sure thinking that maybe they were his favorite. I am talking daughters, sons-in-law, nephews, nieces, grandkids, friends, and often strangers.

My point in telling my Uncle John's story is that I never saw him step foot into a church outside of a wedding or funeral. And he was one of the strongest examples of Christ-like behavior I have ever known.

Do not discount or separate yourself from someone only because they are different. Choose to follow Christ's example, and care for them.

Caring comes from the Gothic word kara, which means "to lament." So caring is not what a powerful person gives to a weaker one. Caring is a matter of being there ... lamenting right along with the one who laments.

-Fred Rogers

Throughout my life, I have often thought of the simple question "What would Jesus do?" which is excellent advice. However, when dealing with someone who feels like a stranger, for more than a thousand individual reasons, we sometimes need further information to know what Jesus would do. And when we think we may know; we may feel that we fall short of His perfection.

Sometimes it is easier to look to someone who has put their life in order and chosen to follow Christ's example—allowing us to relate to someone who is also only mortal.

So first, seek that understanding through the spirit. Then, if you are still unsure, you can always ask yourself, "What would Mr. Rogers do?"

We do not do God’s work when we treat is children as strangers. Let us “change the world for the better, from the inside out, one person, one family, one neighborhood at a time.” (Gerritt W. Gong)

I have been asked to participate in a weekly podcast featuring active, temple recommend holding church members who also identify as LGBTQIA+.  I am, affectionately, the token straight guy. We do not challenge Church doctrine.  One of the fellows runs the BYU organization called "Color The Campus." Another is a Gay man who almost protested a temple groundbreaking before he was led to the church. ( he wrote a book called "Is He Nuts?: Why a Gay Man Would Become a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ")

I believe this is a critical group of which to be apart. I do not have the answers to some of the questions that arise from our discussions.  But I hope to come to the table with as much compassion as I can muster.